So far 2014 has been a bad year for
gays. Well, it's been a bad year for gays who care what Vladimir Putin, Jeremy
Clarkson or Evander Holyfield think. So if, as I suspect, Putin is in fact a
repressed homo, that's just him then. Still, it's been a bad year for him.
On Friday he told a group of Olympics volunteers that gay people would be welcome at the Sochi Winter Olympics, as long as they, quote 'leave the kids alone'. Yes, because what Vladimir Putin knows, (and a lot of people get confused about this) is that liking people of the same sex is basically just part of a sexual perversion which induces attraction to anyone and anything which is not the opposite sex. What Putin knows, from his extensive knowledge of language and stuff, is that the word 'homosexual' in fact derives from the Latin words homo, (meaning home) and sexual (meaning sexual) so a homosexual is, in fact, someone who is sexually attracted to anyone or anything you might find in a home. That of course includes men, but also children, animals, and even household furniture such as tables, chairs, kitchen utensils etc.
On Friday he told a group of Olympics volunteers that gay people would be welcome at the Sochi Winter Olympics, as long as they, quote 'leave the kids alone'. Yes, because what Vladimir Putin knows, (and a lot of people get confused about this) is that liking people of the same sex is basically just part of a sexual perversion which induces attraction to anyone and anything which is not the opposite sex. What Putin knows, from his extensive knowledge of language and stuff, is that the word 'homosexual' in fact derives from the Latin words homo, (meaning home) and sexual (meaning sexual) so a homosexual is, in fact, someone who is sexually attracted to anyone or anything you might find in a home. That of course includes men, but also children, animals, and even household furniture such as tables, chairs, kitchen utensils etc.
On Thursday, renowned satirically opinionated nobhead Jeremy Clarkson, posted a
photograph of himself on Twitter with a banter-ish sign written whilst he was
asleep saying 'gay cunt'. His PR brain quickly kicked in and he took it down
with an apology to anyone who might have been offended, because actually Jeremy
Clarkson doesn't hate gay people, he just hates minorities and people who don't
understand what's interesting about a 2.8 valve engine (or whatever).
And earlier this month on Celebrity Big Brother (yeah, I know, apparently it's still happening) Evander Holyfield said being gay is 'not normal'. The first thing it's important to note about about Evander Hoyfield is that his name is an anagram of 'he'd find ear lovely', which is ironic, since Mike Tyson ate most of his. The second thing it's important to say is that he is an idiot. His argument comes very close to that most common, and most imbecilic, argument that I, as a gay vegetarian, hear a lot. That old classic: it's not natural. These three words are often issued with a smug finality, by the sort of people who watch Mrs Brown's Boys or like James Blunt, as though they were the definitive end to all argument on the matter. It's not natural. So there.
At first sight the argument apparently makes perfect sense. Those things which are natural, like apples and dolphins and Zac Effron's bum, are good. Those things which are unnatural, like doner kebabs, and Sharon Osborne's face, and an interest in the musicals of Andrew Lloyd Webber, are bad. But think about this for more than the three seconds the Daily Mail readers who spout the philosophy are capable of thinking about any issue before their brains spontaneously combust, showering passers-by with anti-immigrant slime, and you quickly realise that this argument does not in fact make any sense at all.
And earlier this month on Celebrity Big Brother (yeah, I know, apparently it's still happening) Evander Holyfield said being gay is 'not normal'. The first thing it's important to note about about Evander Hoyfield is that his name is an anagram of 'he'd find ear lovely', which is ironic, since Mike Tyson ate most of his. The second thing it's important to say is that he is an idiot. His argument comes very close to that most common, and most imbecilic, argument that I, as a gay vegetarian, hear a lot. That old classic: it's not natural. These three words are often issued with a smug finality, by the sort of people who watch Mrs Brown's Boys or like James Blunt, as though they were the definitive end to all argument on the matter. It's not natural. So there.
At first sight the argument apparently makes perfect sense. Those things which are natural, like apples and dolphins and Zac Effron's bum, are good. Those things which are unnatural, like doner kebabs, and Sharon Osborne's face, and an interest in the musicals of Andrew Lloyd Webber, are bad. But think about this for more than the three seconds the Daily Mail readers who spout the philosophy are capable of thinking about any issue before their brains spontaneously combust, showering passers-by with anti-immigrant slime, and you quickly realise that this argument does not in fact make any sense at all.
Even leaving aside the obvious objection that homosexuality may be something built into an individual's make up, and therefore entirely natural
anyway, the argument has one staggeringly problematic flaw: being natural is,
quite obviously, not always good.
In the natural world, animals like human beings would fight - sometimes to the death – for a mate. And then rape them. Would these fans of all that is "natural" do away with Match.com and instead have queues of men dressed in animal skins tearing each other limb from limb to win the affection of their womenfolk, pinning them down for a quick raping and abandoning them to raise their offspring? In the natural world animals like human beings would abandon the weakest if they were slowing down the group and leave them to die. Would these people cut welfare support so poor people have to starve to death? Oh, yes, I suppose they would. Ok, but in the natural world animals like human beings would defecate on the floor. Do these people HATE TOILETS?
The point is, the wonderful thing about living in a civilised society is that we have moved away from that which is entirely natural to that which is... well... civilised. We have found ways to curb our natural instincts and level out the natural inequalities of life in the natural world. It's called development. And I am a big fan of it. Without it, there would be no Facebook, and then what would I do all day?
And if Vladimir Putin, Jeremy Clarkson and Evander Holyfield don't like it they should all go and tear each other limb from limb wearing animal skins, and poo on the floor. Actually, on second thoughts, they should do that anyway.
In the natural world, animals like human beings would fight - sometimes to the death – for a mate. And then rape them. Would these fans of all that is "natural" do away with Match.com and instead have queues of men dressed in animal skins tearing each other limb from limb to win the affection of their womenfolk, pinning them down for a quick raping and abandoning them to raise their offspring? In the natural world animals like human beings would abandon the weakest if they were slowing down the group and leave them to die. Would these people cut welfare support so poor people have to starve to death? Oh, yes, I suppose they would. Ok, but in the natural world animals like human beings would defecate on the floor. Do these people HATE TOILETS?
The point is, the wonderful thing about living in a civilised society is that we have moved away from that which is entirely natural to that which is... well... civilised. We have found ways to curb our natural instincts and level out the natural inequalities of life in the natural world. It's called development. And I am a big fan of it. Without it, there would be no Facebook, and then what would I do all day?
And if Vladimir Putin, Jeremy Clarkson and Evander Holyfield don't like it they should all go and tear each other limb from limb wearing animal skins, and poo on the floor. Actually, on second thoughts, they should do that anyway.
