Last time I
gave you the first installment of my guide to Tinder success, so by now you
will no doubt have got yourself a number of 'matches'. Don't get too
excited. Remember these people are only really 'matches' in the same way as
how, say, Doncaster is twinned with Rouen. Now you must begin the depressing
process of judging their personalities through the medium of online chat.
Remember, your
choice of introduction is important. This is not acceptable:
And you
should really run it through spell checker if you’re dyslexic:
But bear in mind that if you take a chance and start the chat, about 50% will go something like this:
Many chats will begin and end with "What you looking for?". Do not bother answering this question. This is code - transposed from Grindr - for "Are you looking for sex in the next 20 minutes?" If the answer is 'no' then they will quickly lose interest. If the answer is 'yes' it should almost certainly be followed by “but not with you, you've probably got more STIs than the word stigmastistical” *
Once you've kicked off, most chats will quickly reveal the chattor is not yet ready for unsupervised writing. I don't just mean "definately" for "definitely" sort of thing; I mean the sort of prose Terry here might be responsible for:
I know, it made my brain cry.
Some of the
chats will involve un-ironic use of emoticons. They must be quickly terminated.
Some people
will use the word lol instead of its acceptable ironic counterparts lolz, lulz
and roflz. I know.
Once you've really got going, you'll find the majority
will just be dull. A useful rule of thumb: if they can’t be interesting or
funny when they’ve got time to think about it, they won’t be interesting or
funny in real life. Think about it: I’m interesting and funny in my blog. QED.
But my
all-time favourite ones (yes, this really happens) are the ones who you will
get into a long and involved conversation with, begin to like, start projecting
all sorts of impossible personality traits on, fall in love with, mentally
marry and have two children with, finally ask out on a date, and then they'll
say "I'm not really looking for dates". I'm sorry, what? Well WHAT
THE FRICKING FRICK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THEN?! A fricking pen pal? Lord fricking
Lucan? The cure for the common fricking cold?
I know what
you're thinking: they are looking for dates, they're just not looking for dates
with YOU. Fair point, but twice this has happened to me and then they've
carried on writing to me: "No thanks, I'm not really looking for dates. So
what you up to tonight?" I'm sorry but have I fallen into a vortex in the
homo-continuum? Are you really telling me you live in London and you have
enough time on your hands to have an online conversation with someone you don't
know about whether they're watching Downton Abbey. If you're bored why don't
you just go and look at lists of 21 Autocorrect Cats With Dog Beards Who've Got
Their Priorities Right Doing The Ice Bucket Challenge (and you won't BELIEVE what happened next) or whatever. You're
seriously just looking for a CHAT? There are CHAT ROOMS for that sort of thing.
(There are still chat rooms, right? Or was that a 90s thing?)
Once you have
ruled out all of the above you should be left with two or three acceptable
alternatives who have made it through Boot Camp and Judges' Houses to the Live Finals. But don't get carried away, it's still way too early to get excited at this stage. Remember Christopher Maloney made it to the ACTUAL FINAL.
These people are on Tinder. They're probably still mental. Now you have to do the really difficult bit and figure out what's wrong with them IRL. You still have to kiss a lot of frogs, even with the wonders of modern technology. And here I can help you no longer. Except to say this: just remember, in
real life it is UNACCEPTABLE to swipe someone left if you don't like them.
Happy swiping folks!
