Why I'm excited

Sorry to start on an uncharacteristically earnest note but I just need to say that for the first time in my life I'm genuinely excited about British politics.

Earlier today Jeremy Corbyn pulled down his metaphorical trousers and did a big fat metaphorical turd all over the Daily Mail readers of Britain’s metaphorical heads. And I for one can't wait to watch them trying to metaphorically wipe it off for the next five years.

For weeks now those on the political right have been doing their best to squeeze out their own metaphorical shite on Corbyn, from making him seem like some stark raving commie to trying to paint him as an anti-semite to - in their most desperate moments - drawing attention to the fact that he's a bit old (yeah, cos we all know that old adage about how wisdom comes with youth).

And what they've effectively done in squeezing so hard is give themselves political hemorrhoids. Or constipation. Or something. Look I'm trying my best with this overextended metaphor, let's not get bogged down *HILARIOUS PUN HORN* in the details. Because we know now that Corbyn is basically unimpeachable (give or take a few unfortunate stances on Hezbollah etc. - look, no one's perfect). And those who've tried everything to smear Corbyn and stymie his campaign have inadvertently put him on a pedestal. And what a pedestal. It's a pedestal from which he *could* (and watching him deliver his victory speech today I really began to believe he could) become our next Prime Minister. And then think of the shit he could do.

But what's more, he's now riding the crest of an incredible wave. Anyone who watched the announcement of the leadership results will have seen there was something in the air in that conference room. And it wasn't the smell of metaphorical poo. It was excitement. And optimism. And hope. And that's something the badger-fucking Tories can never take away. They might be able to take benefits from disabled people; they might be able to take away climate change subsidies; they might be able to take funding from the National Health Service. But they can't take away our right to give a shit about each other. (Not a metaphor this time). They can't take away compassion. They can't take away our Great British sense of decency, and doing what's right for other people.

And for the first time in my life there’s someone up there who genuinely looks like an alternative. He may look like the Professor from the Chronicles of Narnia too, and he may not be electable for some people, but after five years of the Tories, neither will whichever feckless scrotum is in charge of them. Christ, it might even be Boris Wiff Waff Johnson. And at least Corbyn is real and passionate, and not a dead-behind-the-eyes automaton made of foie gras and wind stolen from a wind farm who drinks the blood of working class Syrian children, who were sold to him by their parents for working tax credits, which won’t count any more cos he just hoards them in HIS SPARE BEDROOM, WHICH HE DOESN’T PAY TAX ON. Sorry, I got carried away, that was unnecessary.

The next five years will be bleak for many. But for every person who is forced in desperation to go to a food bank, there will be food bank volunteers seeing their shame and degradation. For every refugee killed trying to walk through the Channel Tunnel there will be staff who have to clear away their bodies and take them to their grieving relatives. For every person unemployed because of ideological austerity measures there will be Job Centre staff wearied by the impossibility of their situation.

And some of those people will get to the ballot box in five years, and this time they will say, "you know what, it's true: David Cameron IS a smug twat and his face does look a bit like a gammon". And they will be able to look those exit pollsters in the eye this time and say "no I didn't vote for more of the same, I voted for change". And they will buy themselves a Kinder Egg. And they will get a great toy because Karma.

Yeeeeeeaaaaaah.

See, I'm excited. And so is the Labour party. And that is exciting. Because excitement helps you achieve things. Extraordinary things. Just look what I've achieved through excitement: a blog post that's full of shit. And I’m really hungover today. Like, actually dying.

Now join me, comrades! In a future built on excitement. And hope. And optimism. And together. We can. And we will. FUCK THE TORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEES!!!!!